An Audience and Me
I am a strong person. I have been through some tough times and I know that I can rely on myself. I am Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. I know that I can make intelligent decisions (oh yes, I am very capable of making quite stupid mistakes as well). Yet, when I am riding and there is an audience (people watching or an instructor helping me) I turn into this brainless, clueless blond caricature of a 1950’s housewife. There is probably something in my personality type that makes me turn into a blank canvas when there are people around. I can no longer concentrate on my riding or just keep riding while saying hi, or having a short chat. No, I turn into an empty piece of paper (or rather an empty screen) in front a columnist suffering from writer’s block.
In a sense it is quite funny. My mind blocks. I tell myself to think, to act, to do, and I just end up saying to myself: “sorry, it is not functioning up there right now. Your brain is out of order at the moment. We will reboot your system; however, this will take a while. Until your brain has completed its reboot cycle, please sit back, fasten your seat belts and follow orders as instructed. Under no circumstances take any initiative. Should you run across a molecular cell which does contain the ability of self-expression and some guts, please be aware, that if you follow its direction, within seconds your millions of clueless cells will take over, and you will be left looking blank while your brain cells are on strike.”
That is a very strange state for me. I am impatient and like to take action. At times I really have to control myself not to react too quickly. Yet on my horse I can experience the total shut down. My reaction leaves me feeling quite ambivalent. Why do I act like this, why can’t I think anymore? I haven’t completely figured that one out yet. It is partly due to the fact that I am a perfectionist. As my horse is involved I need to be perfect in my riding, my aids, my bravery and in being consistent at all times. Reality is that I am a 48 year old chicken with not enough experience: that says it all. Yet what I forget at times when I am riding is that it is okay to set perfectionism at my own level. My horse will appreciate it, gives him a little more time. And I need to learn that making mistakes is a valuable part of learning. If that is applicable to the rest of us, I should not make myself the exception. It is okay for me to make mistakes as that will help me learn and grow.
I think that may be the explanation to my total brain reboot. Although it is difficult to change your own behavior, I love learning more about myself and trying to figure out why I behave in certain ways. It makes life interesting. It still bugs the ..PEEP.. out of me that I cannot fully control it yet, but I will get there.